Grieving What I have learned Along the Way
- Initially everything is a “fog” because we are in disbelief or shock as to what just happened. It is my belief that this is God’s way of protecting us, because if we had to process all the information at one time, it would literally blow our minds.
- People move on in life around you, time doesn’t stand still even though you feel like it does for you. You may have emotions centered on other people you care about moving on with their lives, as well as people will expect you to “move on with your life” which can only be done when you are ready. Growth happens, you may not be aware of it initially, but you do process through grieving, and reminders are not necessary.
- In the beginning you will want to “save” everything, find a special place to put your loved one’s items, and do save them. You may not be ready to “deal” with them now, and that is okay, just set them aside so that they are there when you are ready.
- Initially, your focus is on the date of death, you will focus on the loss, what you were doing, what that person was doing; the “day and time” will be your central focus that is okay. Later on, you focus will shift from that day to days that you had celebrated together in the past, birthdays, Christmas, family traditions. When the time comes, the death date may not want to be your central focus, and that is okay, in fact, that is good, it represents growth.
- Remember your loved one’s “treasured items” may simply be that, something that brought them pleasure. You may find that it brings you pain, a sad reminder, and that it does not bring you joy in viewing. That is okay; simply understand to them it was treasured, and that you do not have the same feelings or recollection. Put the item aside in your “special box” and you can process it at a different time.
- Initially, your emotional pain is so raw, that it feels “to the bone”, and that you literally will die from a broken heart. You will always have a void, but time does change things, there will be a day when you can smile again. You just have to move through the process.
- Grieving is a process. It comes in stages that we all must go through. You may delay it, but you cannot avoid it, embracing the stages and move through them. You cannot go around grief; it will be waiting for you later if you do not process it.
- You may feel the need to re-create or re-construct you loved one’s final moments, especially if it is an accident. That is normal, and for some can give closure. It is completely up to the individual. (Medical records etc.)
- It is completely normal to “be mad at God” for what happened in fact, sometimes expected. It is okay, and it is a normal emotion. Talk it through and sort out your feelings.
- The best thing you can do is share you experience with others that understand exactly what you are experiencing. Find a support group, if you need to talk to someone professionally, which is a healthy step to take. Example, “Compassionate Friends” is a very good group for those who have lost children.
- It is completely NORMAL for you to want to talk about your loved one. Expect that after time, those around you will feel uncomfortable talking about it with you. They expect you to “move on, get over it”. The reason is THEY are uncomfortable talking about your loved one with you, because they cannot fix it for you. People who are grieving will always talk about their loved ones; it keeps them “alive” in our mind. People that have also experienced grieving will want to talk about them with you, and will want you to listen to them about their loved ones, that is why support groups are so important.
- Compassion is the greatest gift you can give someone, and is given to you through the experiences you go through in life.
- Early in your “journey” because that is what the process is, find a special place for your loved one’s pictures that brought you joy, display them, and put up special keepsakes with them. Remember there will be items; including photographs that will bring you pain (pictures of the casket, accident scene, etc). Sometimes it is best to put those things that are extremely painful, feel free to put those things away for a time being). You can always add and put away things as you feel necessary and ready.
- Know that God is Good. We may not understand why things happen the way that they do, but that He is always in control and has Mercy and Grace. One of the greatest things for me to realize was that my loved one was not in any pain, even though I would have thought he would have been, the human body has an amazing ability to protect you, with blocking pain.